What Are You Looking Forward To

What are you looking forward to in 2021?

How can we keep a positive outlook? What are you excited about?

This is what the Culture Clash Staff asked me to keep in mind when writing an article for their January issue. The article is due tonight at midnight. They’ll probably let it slide until daylight if I decide to pull an all nighter like back in the old days (last year).

Last year was pretty different. The only thing I can say I’m looking forward to in 2021 is more changes. If this year changed so much, just imagine the possibilities of next year when our centrifugal force is pulling us that much faster. All bets are off. I can look forward, but from the shaky ground I’m standing on, the picture is blurry.

The phone next to me just rang. I’m writing in real time. It was my brother. He tested positive for COVID. He was telling me because we’ve been hanging out together. Sharing meals. Thanksgiving. Two kids in his 2 year-old daughter’s daycare tested positive last week, so although he was showing no symptoms, he went and got tested. He got tested twice, one was a rapid result that was 94% sure, and the other was the regular 48 hour. The rapid result came back negative so we all thought it was pretty safe to be together. His second test result just came back. It was positive so I was the third person he called. Just now. I need to go get tested. See how quickly things change? I thought I was gonna make it through this page and jam about up and downs and life and death and all the things becoming more real every day. I was gonna tell you not to worry too much about making any resolutions right now. It’s better just to reflect on life and lay low for a few months until the sun starts coming back. Gather up your strength and take your rest because we’re gonna need it. There will be plenty of renewal in the spring. Just setting down into the winter the best you can and sleep. Breathe. Look at yourself in the darkness, naked and cold, wrapped in a blanket, standing next to the stove, quietly watching the moonlit clouds blow down from the North, waiting for something to tell you it’s alright to go back to bed. Waiting for morning. Wait for the spring.

Wait for the spring.

In the Spring we’ll release all this music. We’ll sing. We’ll get together and dance. We’ll all be healed. For now it’s quiet time.

I might come back and finish this article later, but I need to walk to CVS and get covid tested now. I need to make some phone calls to all of the people I’ve been around the last few days. I need to cancel the plans I’ve made for the next few days. This is what often happens when I start looking forward.

OK, I’m back for a minute. My deadline has passed and I’m late submitting this article. It’s just so hard to make plans or commitments these days. Can corona spread through words and thoughts? Do you need to get tested now too? It’s winter. We’ve got enough on our plate just surviving. To make resolutions or plans is silly. Don’t worry too much about that. Our calendar is all messed up and fake anyway. The winter solstice is a time of darkness and introspection. It’s a time to look at yourself and the year that’s passed us and accept it. Let go. Who are you? What are you? What were you? Did you think you were a musician. Did you think you were an artist or a lawyer or real estate agent? Are you a surfer or a punk rocker? Are you a monk or a yogi? A lover? A father? A brother? A writer? Are you a millionaire or a monster? Do you think you are your purpose? Are you an occupation? Who is breathing?

Wait until the Midsummer’s Eve Dream to make plans and resolutions. When the days start getting longer and the sun returns to her seat in the eastern sky, we will understand all of these projections are just illusions. Then write down your plans and goals and manifestations for the year ahead. Write them down and bury them in your backyard. They’ll come true. It’s still too early for that though. Just hold on, wait and reflect for now. See who you are.

We are silence. The music can fall from you. An accident can cripple you. A change will empty and wring you out. When it finally seems to be through with you; when it finally seems to be still and quiet and safe to come out, you can look at yourself, naked and silent. You can see who you are now. You’re a breather. You are love. You are the one who is thinking those thoughts. That’s all. You can listen with awarenes. You can resolve. You are at unity. Go fishing or something.